I'm
ambivalent, as usual. I loved my father -- still do -- but never really
understood him. He was a private man, the last of the east coast WASPs,
who lived according to the public Protestant ethic in spite of his lack of
private faith. As a child, he told me what was expected of me. I was told
to "be upstanding" and "give back to society what society has
invested" in me. These were my social rules. These were my
expectations. And for years, I rebelled against them.
I
was told I was lucky, that I lived in a country of prosperity, an accident of
history. As an accident, I was to be grateful -- to recognize my good
fortune and give back. Always give back.
I
was told I was lucky to be upper class, and with this social benefit, I had
unwillingly inherited, by chance, a demanding set of social expectations.
I was to be humble; to treat others with gentleness; and with a benign
snobbishness, to remember that others who had not my "advantages"
were to be seen as accidents of history, just as
myself, no better or worse.
I
was told that an Ivy education was expected.
I
was told that success was expected.
I
was told that being honorable and giving back was expected.
Strangely,
I was never expected to make money. Wealth, in itself, was grubby --
beneath me. Great poets and writers, of a similar class, were often poor,
father said. Thus, poverty, in itself, could be honorable, the mark of
social giving. If I amassed wealth, which I haven't, I was never to show
it. For wealth was to be hidden.
The importance of raw money
was only its ability to lead the public by example. So my money, I was
told, was to be given away to causes, peoples or museums. It was to be
given anonymously. I was not to be like those who had buildings named
after them, for example. Their philanthropic motives were incorrect for
they had sought immortality or recognition, not social betterment. True
social giving was to be subtle, directed and done without fanfare. Thus,
anonymity.
With
these sorts of expectations, I've let my parents down. I never lived up to my
father's standards. I haven't given back enough. I haven't lived
the WASP ethical standard ... at least, not enough. But as I age, I
understand my father's demand far more than I did as a child. Now I want to
give back. Its no longer an embarrassment, or a burden, but a burning desire.
I want to live in a self-sacrificing way, quietly, without
self-consciousness. I want to live up to his standards.
At
a time when the edifice of social values is crumbling, I may have something to
give that is more than opinion, but rather my inherited worldview which can be
easily interwoven with the values of the Mayflower Compact, Constitution,
Declaration of Independence, Federalist Papers, etc. These are, after
all, the ancestors of my thought. They're not just my genetic forbears, but
also more importantly, my social lineage. When I give back, then, I am merely
recalling the generosity and honor of those who lived before me.
The
glory of this social lineage is it is assumed, not inherited. All
Americans can be grafted onto the values of the Founders. All are equal
by thought and belief, by behavior and a sense of social obligation. Its
no longer a class thing, but a way to be American. Mostly, I find this
sense of givingness within the Republican Party. Republicans assume that
before taking, one must give. Social responsibility, then, precedes
social rights. We give because we are Americans. We give because that's
what it means to live in a free society -- and our freedom is predicated on
social giving or responsibility. I could never be a Democrat as long as
the Democratic Party stands for redistribution -- taking, not giving -- and
rights before responsibilities. I find their values abhorrent.
I
thank you, dearest Father, for the values you have given me. I hope to
live up to them more honorably and humbly than last year. I hope to keep
my successes and failures quietly in my heart. And I hope that I leave
society a wee bit better than it was before me, that I make my small, anonymous
mark with honor and generosity.
And
I really, really hope you never read this.